ashleyler

life is full of choices that one has gotta make.

just a simple decision can change the entire course of your life.


how scary is that?

so he told me how he felt, what happened and stuff.

i can see in what way was i wrong as well.

on one hand, i feel that i need to experience things in order to learn. but on the other, i also know that there's always a limit to how much experience is beneficial.

you can't always go through everything in order to get your answers. this is something i have to struggle to overcome.

and it's so hard because i think somewhere in my subconsciousness, there's embedded this concept, "you gotta experience everything once in life, the good and the bad, in order to become this ideal person that you wanna be"

still, i'm truly amazed at how much he loves me.

and i really want to do the same for him as well.

so we're back tgt again. crazy huh? i feel so lame -.-

well, i hope we're able to work out our differences and be better tgt than ever before. :)

we've talked about it.. i think we've figured out generally what would make things better.

for me, i need to be given space every now and then, to be understood and respected.

for him, he's told me what he wants and needs, and i think i can do that. :)

for the both of us, we also need to voice out exactly how we feel and what we want and need.

so, here's to us and our future tgt :) cheers.


in addition, i had an extremely far out dream last night. i dreamt that my family and i were living elsewhere than we are right now and we have a lot of land and are wondering what to do with it. i don't know why but i took the initiative to get some miners (MINERS?!?) to come over and mine our land. OR SOMETHING. not very clear what happened in the dream for that. anyway, my aunt objected and we decided to grow vegetables and fruits instead like tomatoes to sell. stupid, weird dream huh? lol. i can't believe i'm blogging this out. don't laugh at me now. :P

wonder what it says about what my subconsciousness is thinking.

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen


"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." - Heather Cortez


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

so it's over.. how do i feel? i don't know..

sad yet relieved? he was no doubt a good person, but things clashed, perspectives don't match.. i don't think i'm someone who can submit to another.. it's got to be equal or not..

i don't know.

3 weeks short of a year,

i believe at least i now know, on top of constant care and concern and to feel beautiful and loved.. all of which i did feel.. i need also to be understood and to be in a relationship that is open in communication.

i have to be given space to be my own person.

well.. what can i do?

i guess, i can only go on with my life.

sigh. what the hell is going on.

i haven't felt this frustrated in a while.

maybe i shd take time away and chill out by myself tmr alone.

is what i'm doing wrong? i don't think so!

so why do i feel like i am?

these chains of restrictions are driving me crazy.

today is one step closer to learning to handle relationships

and also to unveiling the whole "truth"

my eyes hurt, i think they're starting to become dry.. consequences of wearing contacts to bed on consecutive days.. lol. shit. X_X

Edden and i have been quarrelling more frequently recently, just about every time we meet i think! but yet i believe we've become closer.. hmm. i feel so anyway, like i know him better. but then again i don't know how HE feels. :P

my ideal relationship is to have one, apart from it being loving and all that, to also always encourage and help me to grow and learn, about myself, about my partner, about life, and about people. but it has to be good growth of course. nurturing and providing wisdom, not cynicism.

my job at the roadshow over the weekend was really interesting. cliche as anyone would say, it really truly was a great learning experience. and refreshing too. the second day at least. the first day was, i have to admit, super boring.

i learnt so much - i learnt about people relations, about company culture, about technical stuff like engine oil.. but most importantly, i learnt to empathize and truly feel how sales people feel. perhaps i understand why some of them can look really grumpy at times. because while there can be very pleasant customers, there can also be very nasty, weird and plain anal customers who make you feel really bad. plus. if you don't enjoy what you're doing, have a mean boss and don't have friendly, sincere colleagues, the job can be pure torture.

so, i'm making it a point to be nice to every salesperson i encounter, and to thank them for their service, if i feel they have been sincere in helping me, whether they look grumpy or not. i'll try not to be hostile towards them, which i sometimes do when i feel intimidated by them, and i'll also try, TRY, to accept flyers from promoters etc. because having people reject your flyers is really not nice at all. the least a customer could do, i see now, is to accept the thing and throw it away later if they don't want it.

the most important thing is, i think i won't be as annoyed with "these people" anymore.. i really experience what it's like to be "just doing your job" and having been in their shoes for the weekend, would really appreciate a pleasant, sincere response from consumers.

feeling a little bluesy today. maybe it's because of my new O.P.I. "No Room For The Blues" nail polish. wait, that doesn't make sense..

sigh. miss my darling..

i'm rather addicted to youtube. watching the make up how-to-dos, reviews, hauls, singing etc.. but they don't upload 'em fast enough!

lol. i subscribed to about a million youtubers already and yet, there's not enough videos for me to watch. :(

this is insane. i gotta rid this sad, empty feeling. there isn't a reason to feel this way either. >:(

at the new HSS computer lab thingy now.. just finished my HS201 Essay. FINALLY. with a proper conclusion and everything..

thursdays are so incredibly dreadful.. i hate the 3 hour break in between lessons.. luckily i have Iris to go through it with me :)

meeting Edden later for dinner at Kallang Airport again.. whee. I FEEL LIKE SHOPPING. again. as if i haven't bought enough crap the past few days.. lol. right now it's a debate between converse cream coloured shoes and charles and keith sling-bag.

i also have to get revlon colourstay foundation because i'm giving my MAC one to my mom.

i have a serious problem. i shop and shop and shop when i'm stressed. so when my cash goes out fast, i know it's an indicator that i'm stressed.. need to find a better outlet.. lol..

like exercising. which i'm supposed to be doing in the form of jogging/running tmr with Edden. haha.

so incredibly bored. and annoyed. sigh.

i should probably, if i tried not even that hard, be able to count many many blessings.

how can i forget that?

i have my loving family to be grateful for - my dad for being so willing to go out of his way to do things for the family esp

my boyfriend - the sweetest guy in the world :)

great friends - Winnie, Phoebe, Ervin, Shan Rui, and now, Iris, Adam, Christine and Min.

enough money - except that i'm excessively spending it away

my health - i am lucky to be alive and well


oh my god. life can be so good and yet so bad at the same time.

you know what it is?

life is beautiful.

:)

there you go, as the title suggests, there is no such thing as a "miracle". at least, that's what i've come to believe recently.

nothing supernatural exists, nothing as a meaningful purpose to it, and ironically, as the bible says, "everything is meaningless"..

there is no point to living.



no, i'm not trying to sound depressed, i'm stating this as a matter of fact.

i've been taught that education doesn't serve its ideal purpose, there is no such thing as equality nor democracy, everyone is only out to acheive socio-economic status.. everything is done solely for self-interest.. and possibly, maybe, even love doesn't exist.

how sad is that?

maybe humans really are just animals. maybe we're just lucky to have evolved faster/born smarter, but deep down, we're not as special as we think we are. maybe there is no such thing as loving another, only the deep desire for acceptance and belonging, like in a herd, and maybe it's because we've become so used to a particular person that we become attached to him/her and thus invent the concept of "love" to cover up our need.

or maybe there is a God who gives us the gift of empathy and gives us feelings of guilt. so that firstly, we're able to put ourselves in other's shoes and to think for others, and secondly, so that we would be repulsed by sin and to a certain extent, put a limit to our wrong doings. after all, what is the point of guilt if not for that?

i don't know.

what do you think?

just watch Whiteout yesterday.. the movie is ok, i guessed the plot right. heh. but my point is... Kate Beckinsale is absolutely GORGEOUS!!

she is the closest i know (not personally of course!) to being a "perfect woman". she seems intelligent from her interviews, incredibly sexy yet classy and well-mannered and charming.

Totally adore her!!

good grief. some monks are at Starbucks.

i am f-ing bored... sigh. how am i going to sustain my energy for the rest of the semester? i hope i can keep the enthusiasm up. heh. if there's a God out there.. help me please..

i'm currently at Starbucks at Liat Towers, supposed to be studying but as you can see, not. well, i guess i deserve a break once in a while. i can slack for a half hour or so.

Edden's coming over here at 430pm.. hope he won't be late. :P

My family business thingy started on Sat, things are a little quiet but i guess it's expected for the line of service it is in. hope it'll perk up soon though!

i am so lucky to have Edden as my boyfriend!

he came over to my house this morning to surprise me so that the first thing i saw when i opened my eyes was him! and he brought breakfast from Mac's! it is, and i told him so, the best thing he could ever do for me! the best and the sweetest. :)

and he looks really good in the new tan he's sporting because of all the swimming he's done recently. heh. lucky me to have a soon-to-be very fit bf. :P which kinda reminds me that i really have to get exercising myself.. :|

looove you darling!

see you friday! :P

Truth: 

is ignorance really bliss? but "the truth will set you free".
i don't know if i can take the pain, but the idea of not knowing what is really going on is rather pathetic.
still, is there a one truth for all?

Beauty:

what is this world without beauty?
call me superficial but i believe it is a motivation to live and a motivation to love. ;)
"there is beauty in everything" afterall.

Freedom:

according to Karl Marx, it is in man's essence of living to obtain freedom.

Love:

the greatest value of all. "Love conquers all".

oh my god! i just missed my hospital appointment... for the second time in a row... darn. arrgh.

Hall Ball later!! am pretty excited :) hope it'll be fun and not all work for the committee members..

haven't posted photos in a long while.. here are some recent ones: