ashleyler

wow. i realised that as i grow older and even though i like who i've become, there is also this part that i've become which isn't very positive for me.. and that is that i seem to be losing all sense of creativity. other people write with so much insight and from such unique perspectives, but i seem to be writing about the same thing all the time. perhaps, what i write might appear as fresh to someone who is very different from me.. yet, to me, i feel that i've lost the willingness and ability to think differently from what i'm used to. perhaps there is a certain security in thinking the way you always think.. especially if you know it works for you. or maybe i'm learning new things which others are not learning about, which are so vastly different. in a way then again, what i've written so far seems to indicate wanting to think like them. when i could be learning of other things which are so much more valuable to me. okay, i'm starting to sound confusing. whatever it is, i pledge to expose myself to more "artistically different" perspectives. i could start by attending the independent film thing that my course mates are planning this friday. heh.

i haven't really blogged for real in a looong time. soooo much has happened, for one thing, life has been pretty good. and i'm afraid somehow, illogically, that if i blog about it, it'll disappear. it'll change.. it'll no longer be like that. how stupid is that? or can you understand how i feel? i'm afraid if i put too much analysis into things.. they'll change. or my attitude towards them will change. and there's also the thing about having to watch what you say on the internet. gotta learn to phrase your words carefully. the more ambiguous the better. and so, cannot write anything explicit or direct.

it's 3am and i've been awake since 2am. don't know why i can't sleep tonight. like, last time. and when i'm so utterly sleepy in the morning... is my body clock upside down? but i go to bed at a pretty regular timing!

i really don't want to take things for granted. therefore, i feel apprehension thinking too much about stuff. the less i think about them, the higher the chances of taking things for granted not happening? that sounds kinda wrong. but it makes sense to me. it doesn't mean i'm not grateful. i certainly am. okay, i'm rambling.

i need to improve my essay writing skills for Soci.

i haven't blogged in a long time. i'm kinda thinking again, what is the point of blogging.. if you wanna keep a record of your life, do it in a diary, the traditional way. the only reason people blog in an open blog is to air their views to the public. which is dumb because.. there's always Facebook and Tweeter and Tumblr and god knows what else.

my music teacher's voice is so soul rendering... it can melt the coldest of hearts!

awesome place. :)



Iris is gorgeous :)



too bad this pic is so smalll.. jeez.



the crazy things Ashley Mak has us do ;)

I believe true love is when you're willing to break all your personal rules for that one special person.

i wonder what is the motive for some people doing the things they do.

a recent event and a close friend of mine got me questioning that.

do people do what they do out of love, duty, social pressures or the system.. or what?

it's sad to find how some people are not as sincere as you would wish them to be.

but maybe i'm wrong. maybe i misunderstood. i hope so.

pride and dignity in my opinion are two very different things.

pride is useless, but dignity i think, is how much you perceive you're worth. it's like one's sense of self respect or one's backbone.

i think i've learnt from my most recent "event" in my life that pride is really the most useless thing in the world. it's what people hold on to when they perceive they have nothing left. but in my opinion, it just makes things worse. pride gets in the way of healthy relationships and good communication.. it screws people up and makes people do stupid things.

the thing that i believe everyone should have however, is a backbone; a healthy sense of self esteem and respect. like i was telling Min, Adam and Iris, i believe there are generally 3 different types of guys. (take this with a pinch of salt) there's the Bad Boy, the Mr Nice Guy and the Good Guy.

the Good Guy from how i see it, would be what every girl should seek for in an ideal relationship. he has a backbone but no useless sense of pride. he treats himself as well as others well and is able to stand up for himself. the Bad Boy would be someone who doesn't have a healthy sense of self esteem and thus doesn't know how to treat others well, but he looks out for himself.. a little too much. in my opinion, he prolly has too much pride. which as i said, is dumb and useless. the Nice Guy lastly, has no sense of pride and no backbone. he cannot stand up for himself, tries to please everyone and ends up hurting himself and indirectly, others.

lol. these are all my personal theories. so don't come and tell me you think it's rubbish. it may be, but it's my opinion, okay?

anyway, many people might make the mistake of thinking that a Bad Boy is better than a Nice Guy, but in my opinion, they're both the same. they hurt others and hurt themselves and cannot maintain healthy personal relationships. the Bad Boy might seem like he's "winning", but ultimately, he cannot enjoy a healthy relationship and will only end up hurting himself. the Nice Guy, in trying to please everyone will one day realize he cannot, might make insincere promises, and end up hurting others as well as himself.

the only guy i'd like to look for from now is a Good Guy. someone who knows how to treat others with respect and also treats himself with respect. he, in my opinion, is honest, upfront and genuine. he doesn't pretend to be nice, he treats others well but knows his limits and respects himself too. this guy would be most likely to be able to maintain a healthy, loving relationship which is beneficial for both parties. and because of his attitude towards people and himself, being in a relationship with him would more likely be a positive one where both parties can learn and grow together.

anyway, this probably ends my entries for 2009. today is New Year's Eve.. tonight, we'll be welcoming 2010.

may all my beloved friends and family have an awesome start to the new year and maintain the joy till the end.

God bless.

sometimes these old cliches really ring true.

"life is a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get"

"when life gives you lemons, make lemonade (and become a millionaire out of it)"

i believe "in every cloud, there is a silver lining"; in every "bad" situation, there is always something good to be learnt.

and i will learn it well.

i've promised myself that i will lead a life which i can be proud of. no one is worth me screwing my life over. i'm not going to make the same mistakes as he did. i'm not going to lower myself to that.

i will take things as they come and i will face things as they come my way. this is only way one is ever going to learn.

and i promise life will only get better.

i don't know why i can't make the stupid pictures bigger. oh well. you can go check out my facebook if you're interested.. more pics there. cheers :)

"Bad Romance" just absolutely rocks! even Edden says so. :D



Zombieland is an uber good movie. seriously, the name sounds really dumb but i think it's on purpose cause it kinda links with its satirical humour. very funny movie, hot female lead, cute dialogue and very appropriate length - like i've been saying, one of the few movies this year to have been able to hold my attention throughout the entire show.

absolutely loved it - a total must watch! :D

Lady GaGa's music absolutely rocks! i just got her second edition of The Fame, called The Fame Monster.. very nice! her music is so energizing and fun.

Spent a lot of money this month thus far.. been buying stuff to wear to my cousin's wedding.. we ARE the closest family after all.. and my MOM though complaining, was the one who told me to get proper stuff to wear.. gonna be sitting at the VIP table and stuff.. first time for me! haha. whee.

i also got Issey Miyake's "L'eau D'Issey" perfume.. it's heavenly. even though it sprays on a litle to condensed at first, it evens out later to become absolutely divine. MMmm.

i think almost every track on Lady GaGa's album is good and fun-filled. i like especially Bad Romance and its MTV, Just Dance, I Like It Rough and Paper Gangsta.. Heh. :D

life is full of choices that one has gotta make.

just a simple decision can change the entire course of your life.


how scary is that?

so he told me how he felt, what happened and stuff.

i can see in what way was i wrong as well.

on one hand, i feel that i need to experience things in order to learn. but on the other, i also know that there's always a limit to how much experience is beneficial.

you can't always go through everything in order to get your answers. this is something i have to struggle to overcome.

and it's so hard because i think somewhere in my subconsciousness, there's embedded this concept, "you gotta experience everything once in life, the good and the bad, in order to become this ideal person that you wanna be"

still, i'm truly amazed at how much he loves me.

and i really want to do the same for him as well.

so we're back tgt again. crazy huh? i feel so lame -.-

well, i hope we're able to work out our differences and be better tgt than ever before. :)

we've talked about it.. i think we've figured out generally what would make things better.

for me, i need to be given space every now and then, to be understood and respected.

for him, he's told me what he wants and needs, and i think i can do that. :)

for the both of us, we also need to voice out exactly how we feel and what we want and need.

so, here's to us and our future tgt :) cheers.


in addition, i had an extremely far out dream last night. i dreamt that my family and i were living elsewhere than we are right now and we have a lot of land and are wondering what to do with it. i don't know why but i took the initiative to get some miners (MINERS?!?) to come over and mine our land. OR SOMETHING. not very clear what happened in the dream for that. anyway, my aunt objected and we decided to grow vegetables and fruits instead like tomatoes to sell. stupid, weird dream huh? lol. i can't believe i'm blogging this out. don't laugh at me now. :P

wonder what it says about what my subconsciousness is thinking.

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly." - Sam Keen


"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." - Heather Cortez


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller

so it's over.. how do i feel? i don't know..

sad yet relieved? he was no doubt a good person, but things clashed, perspectives don't match.. i don't think i'm someone who can submit to another.. it's got to be equal or not..

i don't know.

3 weeks short of a year,

i believe at least i now know, on top of constant care and concern and to feel beautiful and loved.. all of which i did feel.. i need also to be understood and to be in a relationship that is open in communication.

i have to be given space to be my own person.

well.. what can i do?

i guess, i can only go on with my life.

sigh. what the hell is going on.

i haven't felt this frustrated in a while.

maybe i shd take time away and chill out by myself tmr alone.

is what i'm doing wrong? i don't think so!

so why do i feel like i am?

these chains of restrictions are driving me crazy.

today is one step closer to learning to handle relationships

and also to unveiling the whole "truth"

my eyes hurt, i think they're starting to become dry.. consequences of wearing contacts to bed on consecutive days.. lol. shit. X_X

Edden and i have been quarrelling more frequently recently, just about every time we meet i think! but yet i believe we've become closer.. hmm. i feel so anyway, like i know him better. but then again i don't know how HE feels. :P

my ideal relationship is to have one, apart from it being loving and all that, to also always encourage and help me to grow and learn, about myself, about my partner, about life, and about people. but it has to be good growth of course. nurturing and providing wisdom, not cynicism.

my job at the roadshow over the weekend was really interesting. cliche as anyone would say, it really truly was a great learning experience. and refreshing too. the second day at least. the first day was, i have to admit, super boring.

i learnt so much - i learnt about people relations, about company culture, about technical stuff like engine oil.. but most importantly, i learnt to empathize and truly feel how sales people feel. perhaps i understand why some of them can look really grumpy at times. because while there can be very pleasant customers, there can also be very nasty, weird and plain anal customers who make you feel really bad. plus. if you don't enjoy what you're doing, have a mean boss and don't have friendly, sincere colleagues, the job can be pure torture.

so, i'm making it a point to be nice to every salesperson i encounter, and to thank them for their service, if i feel they have been sincere in helping me, whether they look grumpy or not. i'll try not to be hostile towards them, which i sometimes do when i feel intimidated by them, and i'll also try, TRY, to accept flyers from promoters etc. because having people reject your flyers is really not nice at all. the least a customer could do, i see now, is to accept the thing and throw it away later if they don't want it.

the most important thing is, i think i won't be as annoyed with "these people" anymore.. i really experience what it's like to be "just doing your job" and having been in their shoes for the weekend, would really appreciate a pleasant, sincere response from consumers.

feeling a little bluesy today. maybe it's because of my new O.P.I. "No Room For The Blues" nail polish. wait, that doesn't make sense..

sigh. miss my darling..

i'm rather addicted to youtube. watching the make up how-to-dos, reviews, hauls, singing etc.. but they don't upload 'em fast enough!

lol. i subscribed to about a million youtubers already and yet, there's not enough videos for me to watch. :(

this is insane. i gotta rid this sad, empty feeling. there isn't a reason to feel this way either. >:(